literature

My Friend Peony

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Literature Text

It was an average day, just like any other when Penny heard her doll speak to her. Morning had come and gone and with its leaving came the heat, it was far too hot to go outside and play, so she was lazing about her room, pretending that she was, in fact, cleaning even though her mother would pass by and comment on how it looked no different from last time. Her mother was glaring at her now, narrowing her eyes as Penny put up a show on how she was cleaning, but a call from Penny’s little brother, Pendragon, made her mother move on and forget her.

   Penny slumped down, leaning into her bed, looking at the little doll she had picked up, she didn’t remember ever playing with it, which was odd because there was no possible way that her older sister, Penelope had left it here, she was a cat of a girl, clean, secretly evil, and selfish past a fault. The young girl looked at the doll with a critical eye, examining it in her hands as if it were a surveillance bug, like the ones in NCIS, when they hide surveillance items to catch the bad guy. Penny pursed her lips in agreement, she did like NCIS, and tossed the doll on her bed before standing up and looking at her kingdom with distaste.

   As Penny fell to her knees and started shoving random objects underneath her bed, a small cry rang up, “Hey! Don’t forget me!”

   Penny frowned and narrowed her brow, looking around, she saw nothing but helpless papers, stuffed whales, and the odd action figure that had been chewed on too much to identify its original identity. She shrugged to herself and continued her work, “Weird house…” she mumbled lowly, mostly because this house was weird, and somewhat because her sister often teases on how it’s haunted.

   “Who are you talking to?” The voice broke Penny’s concentration and forced her to take a small break, she closed her eyes and tried to think of explanations when something tapped her forehead, she snapped open her eyes and opened her mouth to shriek, but the sound died in her throat, coming out as a confused croak. Button eyes stared back at her, their blankness so eerie and interesting that she couldn’t help but feel creeped out and curious at the same time.

   “Who are you?” Penny asked, turning around to look at the doll more closely, narrowing her eyes like her mother would and giving it a glare; she thought about her question and shook her head, “No, wait, what are you? What are you doing here? Did my sister send you?” She berated the little doll with questions, but its sewed on smile didn’t falter, and it only swung it’s little legs around the side of the bed.

   “I’m Peony.” It said slowly. “I’m a doll made just for you! My mistress noticed that you didn’t have any friends, that you were alone in the world, that no one loved you, just like her.” The doll paused and looked at Penny; she felt her eyes sting with tears but she narrowed her eyes further and frowned, crossing her arms over her chest as the doll continued, “So she sent me to keep you company! But every night I’ll have to go back with her because she’ll get so lonely without me…” The doll hung its head and sighed. Penny nodded silently and patted the doll’s back,

   “It’s okay, Peony. I’m Penny, you said that you’ll be my friend, right?” she asked suspiciously, looking at the doll carefully.

   “Of course!” Peony jumped up with glee, “And one day, maybe you can meet my mistress! She would love you, she would be your friend, just like I am!” Peony’s grin seemed to widen as she danced around, Penny felt a quick grin pass over her face but it was gone just as fast as it had arrived.

   “I’d love to meet her.” Penny felt herself say, but doubt made her eyebrows knit together, “But…” she started but the doll put up a fingerless stub of an arm.

   “It’ll be okay, you have a birthday coming up soon, don’t you?” The doll asked sweetly, it’s black button eyes gleaming.

“Actually I do, it’s two days from now, on the thirteenth, but I can’t go, Mom and Dad will be out taking Penelope to soccer and taking Pendragon to baseball.” Penny hung her head.

“It’ll be okay, I promise, if you meet her, then you’ll have the most exciting time of your life!” Peony begged, Penny bit her lip, thinking about it, but one look toward the grinning doll made her smile.

“Okay, I’ll go with you.” She said quietly.

   “Do you promise?” The doll urged, its eyes fully white now from the glare. Peony stretched out a stubby arm and Penny grasped it gently.

   “I promise.” She said with determination.

   “You promise, what?” Peony pushed, her sewed smile looking even bigger than before.

   “I promise I’ll go with you to meet your mistress on my birthday.” Penny nodded, her mind completely blind to everything except the fact that she had a friend.

   “Wonderful!” Peony exclaimed, leaping into Penny’s arms. Penny hugged her and smiled to herself.

   “Penny! You had better be working in there! Don’t make me check your room again and find you lazing about!” Penny flinched as her mother’s warning voice echoed from Pendragon’s room.

   “Okay Mama!” She answered, looking around at the mess and sighing, she bent down to pick papers up when Peony jumped down from her shoulders.

   “It’s okay Penny, I’ll help you!” She whispered, helping Penny make piles of objects and finding where they would go and throwing the rest away, they finished Penny’s disaster of a living space and transformed it into a sparkling, five star room. Even Penny’s mom was impressed for a brief moment before she called to Penelope and thanking her for cleaning her younger sister’s room, to which Penelope said ‘you’re welcome’ and Penny was banned from getting dessert.

   But even with that disaster, this was still the best day of Penny’s life, and when she lay her head down that night she couldn’t keep the smile off her face.

   “Thank you so much, Peony! I don’t know how I could live without you!” She whispered, hugging the doll tightly.

   “You’re very welcome Penny, but I have to go now, I’ll be back before morning though, don’t worry.” Peony assured her, wiggling out of her grip.

   “Okay, hurry back.” Penny nodded sadly.

   “I will, I love you Penny.” Peony said slowly, turning around to give her one last look.

   “I love you too, Peony.” Penny breathed, a deep sleep falling over her.

   “Sweet dreams, Sweetie…” Peony gave a wicked grin and watched as strings appeared attached to the doll’s stubby arms and legs, Peony braced its little legs and tried to relax as a vicious tug was given to the strings that sent the doll flying. As Peony neared its destination the doll pulled and forced all of its weight into the head so it would be able to slow down.

   Peony landed lightly on the ground, crouching for a moment in a bow and waited, “Rise… Peony, is it?” A low voice creaked, as if it hadn’t been used in some time, Peony rose and nodded.

   “Yes, Mistress, I go by Peony.” The doll’s smile grew as it gazed upon its mistress’s face.

   “Yes… Tell me, did it go well? Did you bring me anything?” Her ancient voice croaked as she looked Peony over with one black eye.

   “Yes, I brought you what you asked for, Mistress,” Peony produced a single hair, the crone cackled as she snatched it away.

   “Very good, and the promise, did she make it?” The witch paused, placing the hair in a jar and sealing the lid.

   “Of course, on her thirteenth birthday she will come here, and she will be yours.” Peony bowed, its smile faltering.

   “Excellent, and then you will be free.” The ancient woman cackled.

   “Yes… I will be.” Peony said thoughtfully.

   “Hurry back, Peony, you have a long way ahead of you and little moonlight left, I made these for you.” A decrepit hand placed neatly folded clothes in the doll’s stubby arms, putting them on, Peony realized that they were once its clothes, from before the doll was Peony. The sorceress, noticing Peony’s mood changed, mumbled something under her breath and Peony bowed to her.

   “I will not fail you.” Peony said reverently.

   “I know, you can never fail me.” She whispered, watching as Peony hopped onto the window sill and the strings attached to Peony dragged the doll back to the lonely girl named Penny.
This was for my creative writing class and my teach thought that I hadn't sent him the rest of the story because of the way it ended.
The prompt was a doll/action figure/ puppet comes to life in the style of Pinocchio, it has to have a beginning, middle, and end, and a definite conflict, try it, it might be fun, I only had an hour and a half to work on it, see where it takes you, I'll try to keep you guys typed in if you're interested, if not, thanks for reading!
© 2013 - 2024 Abbyzfatcat
Comments4
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C-A-Harland's avatar

Hi, this is a critique on behalf of :iconwriters--club:

 

This is an interesting little story with a definite chilling factor. The doll is introduced very well, seeming benign at first, but still someone how suspicious. I have a few comments for minor tweaks:

 

Morning had come and gone and with its leaving came the heat, it was far too hot to go outside and play, so she was lazing about her room, pretending that she was, in fact, cleaning even though her mother would pass by and comment on how it looked no different from last time.This sentence is a bit too long, it could be cut into two, such as:

Morning had come and gone and with its leaving came the heat. It was far too hot to go outside and play, so she was lazing about her room, pretending that she was, in fact, cleaning even though her mother would pass by and comment on how it looked no different from last time.

 

It seems a little odd that the sisters are named Penny and Penelope, given that Penny is just short for Penelope.

 

she was a cat of a girl, clean, secretly evil, and selfish past a fault.This is a fantastic description.

 

on how it’s haunted. – It’s is a contraction of both it is and it was, with the former being more common, so it can confuse the tense of your sentence to use it here. These contractions are best saved for dialogue rather than narrative.

 

As Peony neared its destination the doll pulled and forced all of its weight into the head so it would be able to slow down.This sentence is a little confusing. Can you rephrase it?

 

You could cut out a few of the adverbs in the dialogue tags. Said slowly, said thoughtfully, said reverently, etc. Let the dialogue speak for itself, it is often more powerful this way.

 

I think you could also add in a little more to emphasize Penny’s loneliness, as the first real indicator of this is Peony stating it to her. An additional sentence or two earlier on to show how she feels left out, or laments her brother and sister getting all the attention would illustrate this more.

 

The ending is very sudden, and whilst I don’t think you need to show her returning all the way to Penny, there does need to be some additional rounding-off.

 

Otherwise, great work, keep it up.